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Novelty date ideas that actually work (according to research)
"Our dates are the same restaurant, same order, same conversation. It's nice. It's also kind of a nap." Nice is fine. But nice isn't what makes you feel like you did in the beginning.
What the research says
Psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues found, in surveys and lab experiments, that couples who did something new and arousing together (arousing as in heart rate up, not sexual) felt more satisfied with their relationship afterward than couples who did something mundane, and boredom was part of why (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2000). Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center turned this into a simple weekly practice, 90 minutes of an exciting activity together (Greater Good in Action). Esther Perel makes a similar point in her TED talk, that desire needs some mystery and newness next to all the comfort (TED).
What counts as novel
Three things. It's new to both of you, it gets your heart going a little (physical, a little challenging, a bit of nerves), and you're doing it together, not side by side on phones. Expensive is optional.
15 ideas that fit
- Moving. Climbing gym intro class, kayak or paddleboard rental, a beginner salsa or swing class, a bike ride somewhere you've never been.
- A little nerve. Karaoke, an escape room, an improv drop in class, a trivia night where you're a team.
- Making something. Pottery night, a cooking class, a paint and sip, building a bonfire and actually making s'mores right.
- Exploring. A food crawl in a neighborhood you never go to, a night market, a drive to a small town for dinner, sunrise somewhere with a view.
The plan
- Pick from the list with her in mind. Not your idea of fun. Hers, with a little stretch.
- Ask with a day and a time. Say "saturday at 2 i'm taking you to a pottery class. we're both going to be terrible at it."
- Handle the logistics. Booking, parking, sitter if you need one.
- Be playful when it's awkward. Laugh at yourself first. That's the fun part.
- Cool down somewhere quiet after. A drink or tacos. Say "what was your favorite part?" That's when you feel close.
Do and don't
- Don't pick something so intense she's actually scared or miserable. A little nerves, not terror.
- Do let her be better at it than you. It's cute, not a loss.
- Don't do novelty once and go back to the same restaurant for six months. The research is about doing it regularly.
- Do take one photo together. Then put the phone away.
You'll know it's working if
She's laughing during it. She tells someone about it the next day. She's touching you more on the walk back. She asks what the next one is.
If it isn't
If she seems stressed by the idea, pick something calmer but still new, like a new neighborhood dinner. Novelty doesn't have to mean adrenaline. And if she's simply exhausted, a nap and a date at home might be the right call this week.
Texts you can send
saturday at 2 im taking you to a pottery class. we are both going to be terrible
karaoke friday. i will go first so you can laugh at me
okay that was the most fun weve had in months. same time next month?
A woman's read
When a guy plans something new and a little ridiculous, like a dance class we're both bad at, I see him differently. He's playful, he's not scared to look dumb, and we're laughing at the same thing. That's the feeling from the beginning. The same nice dinner is comfortable, but I don't think about it the next day.
The move
Pick one idea from the list she'd secretly love, book it, and text her the day and time. Get tacos after and ask her favorite part.
Questions guys ask
What are novelty dates?
Dates where you do something new to both of you, a little exciting, and together. Research by Arthur Aron found these raise relationship satisfaction more than routine dates.
Do new experiences help relationships?
Studies suggest they do. Shared new and exciting activities are linked to less boredom and more satisfaction.
What is a fun new date idea?
A climbing gym intro, a beginner dance class, karaoke, an escape room, or a pottery night. New and a little challenging works best.
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